I just finished the bulk of press for “Worth Fighting For”, and I am in the process of spiraling back down to earth. Back to my “real” life, as I call it. Exhausted, and nervous. Since I lost my husband, when I return home from being out of town, I experience what I’ve come to call “Re-entry Anxiety.” Re-entry anxiety is painful. It’s like the heat shields burn off my little space capsule as it re-enters the atmosphere. Scorching me, and fizzing my hair before it dumps me into a cold, vast, and lonely ocean. It’s not something I look forward to. But I have learned how to hold on as it “shakes me in.”
A woman who lost her loved one commented that her life has felt like a rollercoaster. That’s what mine feels like, too! And lately, it seems as if time has been even more compressed, making the ups and downs quicker, and more dizzying – I’m happy! I’m sad. I’m brave! I’m afraid. In bliss! And the next moment, depressed how nothing’s changed. It’s crazy. I never know from one moment to the next how I’m going to feel. And sometimes, like in yoga class this morning – I feel them all at the same time.
And so this is my first day back on Planet Rancho Bizarro (Rancho Bizarro is my LA ranch’s name), and I’ve decided it’s okay to have a rough day, and not judge myself for not being more proactive and positive. There’s a saying in the Al-Anon twelve step program that I’ve found to be good solid advice, it’s –
H A L T
Don’t get upset, make decisions, get in arguments, judge others, or yourself, when you are
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
And while I’m not hungry because I just ate a late breakfast, and I’m not really angry about anything, I am lonely, and I am very tired. So, I am white-flagging myself today. And I’m just going to ride this one in.
